More Gomer Pyle Moments

In a single, simple little word:

Overwhelmed.

Without divulging too much information (you know, because there's probably all kinds of Al Qaeda counter-intelligence spies monitoring this blog), let me just say:

The shipyard is a complete cluster.  So is the ship.  Like a monkey fuckin' a coconut craziness.

Did I mention that my ship is going to be in the shipyard for the next millenium getting a very extensive (and probably very expensive) facelift?

Well, it is.  And it is lamesauce.  One slip of the foot and you could easily fall a couple stories.  Or rip an arm off.  Or other pleasantries of the "loss of life or limb" variety.

Anywho, your local city dump's got nothing on this place.  Huge warehouses, big sheds, little sheds,  trailers and shacks everywhere.  Cranes, trucks, and machinery everywhere.  Crazy shipyard bubbas (the civilian workers) trying run your ass over with a forklift or a bicycle every time you turn the other way for a split second.

There's a painted blue line on the ground that weaves in and out, here and there, and if you don't follow it to your destination, you have an excellent chance of being crushed to death by something overhead (or so we were told).

And just to show you how much of a nerd I truly am When following it, either "I Walk The Line" or "Follow The Yellow Brick Road" immediately starts playing in my mind.

But no need to worry, in the event of an unforeseen steel beam falling from the sky and crushing me a la Looney Tunes and Acme anvils... I'll be okay.  Because, you see, the Navy issued me a construction hard hat and safety glasses.

Because that's going to stop a steel beam from turning my brain into sidewalk soup.

Gah.

That is not  to say that I don't need the hard hat and safety googles, though; I've already attempted to bash my forehead in on a metal hatch while going down a ladder more than once.  Then again, the hard hat makes my head a good 3" taller than it is normally, so it's debatable whether the hard hat is protecting me from my own clumsiness or actually a very large factor in the aforementioned head-bashing.

With my classic flair for making myself ridiculous, in my one and a half days on board the ship so far I've managed to get sternly lectured at least three times.  And of course, all of it over simple shit that I have no fucking clue about, because, you know, I've never been on board a Navy ship before.  Ever.  Helloooooo.

First, I got barked at by a chief on Friday afternoon while leaving the ship because I forgot to salute the ensign.  (Also known as a 'flag' for you non-military types.  Flags are called 'ensigns' and the American flag is 'the ensign'.)

It is both customary and mandatory when you are walking onto a Navy ship in uniform that you first turn and salute the ensign, then salute the watchstander and request to come aboard the ship.  When you leave, the order is reversed.  You salute the watchstander and request permission to go ashore, and then turn and salute the ensign before leaving the ship.

Anywhocaresaboutallthatjunkhow,  I forgot about it.  Most likely because you can't see it.  You just have to salute in the direction of it.  So can you blame me??

The chief did.  Boy, did he blame me.  For about five minutes straight.  And then his face softened and he almost looked foolish when I apologized profusely and told him that I didn't mean to be fucked up, but that it was my first day on a ship ever and I was very confused and had forgotten completely.  Then he was a little kinder and said gruffly, "Well, it's okay, I understand first day and all that, just don't forget again or you'll get yelled at again," which I think really meant, "I kinda feel like an ass for yelling at you now.  I just thought you were being a shitty sailor on purpose."  Lordie.

Secondly, I got yelled at by a master chief for having my safety glasses hung over the neck of my tee shirt instead of having them hanging from a lanyard around my neck.  He simply, "Hey, you!"ed me and when I looked at him questioningly barked, "Unfuck yourself, shipmate!  You can't have your glasses hanging off your uniform like that!"

Like I knew.  And now I do.

And thirdly, I got yelled at while leaving this afternoon because I was wearing my single-strap backpack slung across my chest.  Apparently, you can only sling a backpack over one shoulder, or carry it on both shoulders, but never across.

And now I know.

Something tells me I've only scratched the surface of "Things I Should Just Know Because I'm Psychic."

I am so overwhelmed right now.

My experience with the 'Real Navy' thus far has been both funny and frightening all at the same time. ♦